Best one liners..................

If I could take just one thing to a desert island I probably wouldn’t go.

 

Always leave them wanting more, my uncle used to say to me, which is why he lost his job in disaster relief.

 

I’ve decided to sell my vacuum cleaner. Well, it was just collecting dust.

 

Apparently, one in three Britons is conceived in an IKEA bed – which is crazy, because those places are really well-lit.

 

I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.

 

Dave drowned, so at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it’s what he would have wanted.

 

My dad has suggested that I register for a donor card. He’s a man after my own heart.

 

I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again.

 

I picked up a hitch-hiker. You’ve got to when you hit them.

 

I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting.’ So we stopped playing chess.

 

I’m sure that wherever my dad is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.

 

I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister.

 

When I was a kid, I asked my mum what a couple was and she said, ‘Oh, two or three.’ And she wonders why her marriage didn’t work.

 

As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting. But apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer.

 

A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a women’s singles event.

 

H/T Old Dude