London, England
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II:
In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
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2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
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3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
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4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
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5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
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6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
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7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
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8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
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9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
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10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
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11. You will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
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12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (World dominators) first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
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13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
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14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
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15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!
Monday, 9 January 2012
Important Announcement for US citizens
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15 comments:
"You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns..."
My ASS.
I’ll vote for the roundabouts if we had as many as the Brits people would not freak out when they get to one. Also there would be fewer traffic lights. As of our inept leaders the Brits haven’t had a good PM since Lady Thatcher.
David
in Yankeeland
Item 1 shall remain as is. It is apparent that the differences between American spelling and British spelling are due to the closer proximity of Britain to France. Even you agree that this is not a good thing.
Item 4 shall also remain as is. Your statement implies that British people have learned to address personal issues without recourse to firearms, litigation, or therapy, but we have learned that this is not so; what has in fact happened is that the issues have gone unresolved in Britain.
11. American football shall remain a pastime of ours until soccer and rugby become interesting to people who have not been drinking.
Regarding item 12, please be advised that baseball is in fact played in other nations, and brings to light the deplorable British habit of lecturing Americans on topics of which the lecturer is even less informed (or even more ill-informed) than the intended audience.
Not bloody likely!
Your Majesty:
Thank you very much for your insight and flavor regarding how you might want to change-ize our country.
First of all, we don't want a pound of flesh, when a dollar will do.
Second, all that genuflecting stuff...only presidents with the middle name of "Hussein" do the "knees-bent-running-around" thing.
Third, we kinda like our aircraft carriers. Since you don't have any more of 'em, we'll keep a dozen or so around to keep your men (pilots or pielots?) proficient.
Please keep up the good work with those royal weddings...we love the pictures. As for roundabouts, even though Massachusetts and Wisconsin have some, we prefer stoplights.
Football? Puh-leese. We'll keep it, thank you. Bring your rugby boys over and play viz-a-viz (none of that (-is stuff, thanks) our Cowboys or Steelers or Packers.
Keep your VAT, your stinky cheese, and your cheesy PM.
Warmest personal regards,
John Q. Public (aka John Browning aka Bill Ruger aka Ronnie Barrett)
PS. Word to the wise -- don't bring a peeler to a gunfight.
PPS. We'll still stand by you (er, ah, swim by you?) in the Falklands. You'll need those carriers, by the way. Just saying.
Only faintly humorous but then it was the PEOPLE of the united states that kicked the pompous brits outta here the first time and the same thing will happen again if this claptrap was actually real ....so in other word bugger off biotch!!
Your Excellency,
Get stuffed.
Sincerely,
The Rabble
I have no doubt that America will now be better off. I believe that New Zealand recently beat the Australians at cricket as well.
The only downside will be that Muslim immigration to the USA will become so great that it will quickly become part of the United Islamic Republic of Eurabia as well.
They may have a point, but it seems that they only held title on the first 13 colonies, therefor the rest of the country should revert to Spain, France, Russia, and the Indigenous Peoples.
That will work!!
16. All dentists will be retrained as environmental/global warming consultants.
Your majesty:
You have clearly been misinformed regarding baseball. It is played in Japan, Latin America, South America and even in your colonies of Canada and Australia.
Oh, and you no longer have the military to enforce the revocation, so we'll still be friends, but that's about it.
Re point 14, the Tax Collector.
Could we meet in Boston, at the Harbor (whoops, missed a "u" there) say, around 4? We could have a party.
Perhaps Your Majesty hasn't seen the film, as Mr. Obama's gift dvd's were for the wrong region, but Andie MacDowell's character in FWAAF was American. I will agree some dialogue was painful
Your going to need a bigger boat.
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