Wonderfull​y incorrect.​.....

Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a
spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same calibre."

Q: What's the difference between a blond and a brick? A: The brick
doesn't follow you home after you lay it.

Remember the 7 qualities for the perfect girlfriend - Beautiful,
Intelligent, Gentle, Thoughtful, Innocent, Trustworthy, Sensible. Or in
other words B.I.G.T.I.T.S.

Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it for
half an hour as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It does
everything - KitKats, Mars bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot.

I thought the wife would be the ideal candidate for a new TV show. Turns
out I got it all wrong and the programme's called Fact Hunt.

The cost of living has now got so bad that my wife is having sex with me
because she can't afford batteries!

Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from
a bottle of Tippex. I woke up this morning with a huge correction.

Some Japanese tourists just asked me to take a picture of them. When I
said "Wave" they legged it!

H/T Roger J