1. Tim Vine: ''I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.''
2. David Gibson (as Ray Green): ''I'm currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone.''
3. Emo Philips: ''I picked up a hitchhiker. You gotta when you hit them.''
4. Jack Whitehall: ''I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say 'bought' - I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid.''
5. Gary Delaney: ''As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog.''
6. John Bishop: ''Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day.''
7. Bo Burnham: ''What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names.''
8. Gary Delaney: ''Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted.''
9. Robert White: ''For Vanessa Feltz, life is like a box of chocolates - empty.''
10. Gareth Richards: ''Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food, or if you can't be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub.''
H/T DML
Tuesday, 24 August 2010
The Top 10 funniest jokes from the Edinburgh Fringe Festival:
From Theo Spark at 09:01
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Q. What animal has the best hearing?
A. Scottish sheep. They can hear a zipper from miles away.
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