Texan Translated

If chicken were selling for a penny a pound I couldn't kiss a hummingbird's ass.
I'm broke.

Took top and got nut deep.
Describes a quick sexual conquest.

Ate a plate of crazy.
An explanation for bizarre behavior.

The only things in the middle of the road are yellow lines and dead armadillos.
Take a side.

I wouldn't know anymore than a big-eyed clap doctor.
I am clueless.

I'd rather french kiss a rattlesnake.
I would greatly prefer not to.

Deal the five of clubs.
Strike with the fist.

Dick fingered
Lacking in manual dexterity

H/T Jesse