A few more one liners.......

291. Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.
292. Without ME, it’s just AWESO.
293. If you do not say it, they can’t repeat it.
294. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me… they were cramming for their finals.
295. Be careful of your thoughts, they may become words at any moment.
296. If you don’t care where you are, then you ain’t lost.
297. Your gene pool could use a little chlorine.
298. You can easily judge the character of a man by how he treats those who can do nothing for him.
299. I pretend to work as long as they pretend to pay me.
300. You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you’ve had?
301. You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
302. I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
303. Roses are red violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic and so am I.
304. Ham and Eggs: A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
305. If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?
306. Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so.
307. Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you are abusing the privilege!
308. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
309. The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
310. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

H/T DML