A few more one liners.........

271. Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.
272. Failure is not falling down, it is not getting up again.
273. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed
274. The best thing about living at the beach is that you only have assholes on three sides of you.
275. Silence doesn’t mean your sexual performance left her speechless.
276. The farther away the future is, the better it looks.
277. Why is it that in the US: If you take off all your clothes and walk down the street waving a machete and firing an Uzi, terrified citizens will phone the police and report: “There’s a naked person outside!”
278. Canadians are more polite when they are being rude than Americans are when they are being friendly.
279. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
280. I tried to hang myself with a bungee chord. I kept almost dying
281. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
282. I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.
283. Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
284. You are depriving some poor village of its idiot.
285. Discretion is being able to raise your eyebrow instead of your voice.
286. Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
287. At every party there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.
288. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
289. Constipated people don’t give a crap.
290. Why is a bra singular and panties plural?

H/T DML