A few more one-liners

61. My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
62. We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
63. I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
64. Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
65. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
66. My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
67. Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.
68. Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
69. I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
70. I don’t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die.
71. I should’ve known it wasn’t going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I’m a Libra and she’s a bitch.
72. I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, you won’t be able to get into the corners very well.”
73. Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
74. When in doubt, mumble.
75. I always take life with a grain of salt, …plus a slice of lemon, …and a shot of tequila.
76. There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.
77. A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”
78. Just remember…if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.
79. I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
80. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

H/T DML