Light News....

Arise, Lord Gorbals: Peerage and £1.4m pension for shamed Speaker who quit in 34 seconds. Allowed to slope off by his socialist friends.

BBC chief demands charge for iPlayer to stop viewers 'getting a free ride'. He can take a running jump. The licence fee should be abolished.

Why curry could STOP you putting on weight. A vindaloo a day should do it.

Victory for Joanna Lumley as all Gurkhas to be given right to settle in Britain. Good news. Now just watch how long it will take the government to process their applications.

MPs' expenses: Gordon Brown criticises 'gentlemen's club' Commons. That's because he is not a gentleman.

CIA: US does not know location of all Pakistan's nuclear weapons. Not sure Pakistan does either.

Australia expands navy as Chinese power grows. We must double our forces.

Barack Obama snubbed as Senate withholds funds needed to close Guantanamo Bay. Gitmo is there for a reason and a bloody good one.

Top Gear plasticine garden takes 'gold' at RHS Chelsea Flower Show. Now would be a good time to buy shares in Plasticine.

US missile shield in Poland and Czech Republic 'won't stop Iran'. Just what Obama wants ti hear so he can scrap it. What a timely report.