Silly Shorties......

I asked my girlfriend if she was faking last night.
She said, “No, I was really asleep.”

I went to a store to buy some insecticide.
"Is this good for beetles?" I asked the clerk.
"No," replied. "It'll kill 'em."

This Brit goes to Australia for a tourist trip and on the border they ask him if he had ever stayed in jail or had been arrested. So he says: "I did not know that was still required."

A wealthy man came home from a gambling trip and told his wife that he had lost their entire fortune and that they'd have to drastically alter their life-style.
"If you'll just learn to cook," he said, "we can fire the chef."
"Okay," she said. "And if you learn how to make love, we can fire the gardener."

A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?"
"Sure do," replied the bartender.
"Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."

“Doctor! I think my wife is dead.”
“What makes you think that?”
“Well, the sex is still the same but the dishes are piling up.”

H/T DML