Random Thoughts.....

I have all the money I’ll ever need - if I die by 4:00 p.m. today.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don’t seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”

Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children.

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

I was so poor growing up. If I wasn’t born a boy, I’d have nothing to play with.

Campers: Nature’s way of feeding mosquitoes

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He’ll shut up once you let him in.

There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong…

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Don’t piss me off! I’m running out of places to hide the bodies.

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.

Booze may not be the answer, but it helps you forget the question.


H/T M Kohl