Light News...

Then there were two: First World War veteran dies, two months after surviving trio's salute at the Cenotaph. A sad loss. They will never be forgotten.

Hey! Who's trunk all the milk? The orphan elephant cubs rescued in Kenya from slaughter by poachers. Ahhhhh. We should allow our special forces to go on a safari with free poacher hunting thrown it as a of R&R.

Even knife thugs agree soft justice is not working: Offenders call for compulsory jail. When criminals start wanting to go to jail you know we have a problem with our justice system. There again our jails are so soft they are probably after a 'holiday'.

'I would axe 60 MPs': Cameron reveals radical plan if he wins the election. Axe the bloody lot and start again with a reduced parliament. I would rather have 200 good men in parliament than 650 assholes. Banning the Scottish MPs from voting on English only legislation would also be a good move.

Alistair Darling refuses to apologise for state of British economy. Just shows what an arrogant useless tosser he is.

Soldier died in Afghanistan due to failures with night vision goggles. The MoD's incompetence over equipment and training is killing more of our men that the enemy.

New Zimbabwe $50bn note buys three newspapers. How bad must things get before we act?

Gordon Brown bounce fades as Conservatives return to huge poll lead. He will do a Mugabe and cling on til the bitter end no matter what damage he does to the country. Someone should put him out of his misery.

Gaza: Israel prepares 'iron fist' strike at Hamas. They must make sure they get the job done right. Hamas cannot be allowed to recover.

Hillary Clinton to face questions on Gaza policy at Senate hearing. As if she has an effing clue.